As I begin this fifth and final year of graduate school I see that an unyielding sense of doom has been a most faithful companion. The only thing that undercuts this sense of doom is that I haven't failed yet -- I survived my first year classes, I passed my preliminary exams, I wrote a reasonable qualifying paper, I have several avenues of research I'm pursuing , I've submitted a paper, and have results that should lead to two more papers. In light of these facts one (e.g. the wife) might say that this sense of doom has nothing to do with grad school and everything to do with me. Perhaps she's right, so I try to be optimistic.
Here's the latest hurdle: I need to find a job. In fact I'd like for my wife to find a job and for her job and my job to be geographically close. The reason I feel some sense of worry is that in math it's best if people know you before you apply. I'm not sure how well known I am in the greater math community, and in spite of my best efforts to make my first paper a great one, I suspect it will not result in mathematicians sending frenzied e-mails to one another about this astounding new result. As a friend and former post-doc (now tenure-track prof.) pointed out, there are a lot of people cranking out math, and a fair bit of it is good math. Further, math is pretty specialized and so there are plenty of mathematicians who wouldn't have the slightest inkling what my research is about. I really don't like trying to sell myself, and it seems like this is what is required at this step. Selling anything is easier if one believes in the product, but the self confidence I once had has eroded somewhat in grad school.
On the upside grad school has lead to a huge surge in fatalism. At some point you just say, I'll do the best I can, and see what happens. I forget this a lot.
Unrelated to finding a job (or maybe not so unrelated) I taught epsilon-delta proofs today in my calc class. It is the third time in as many years that I've done this and I'm getting better at it. I felt like today's lecture brought together the conceptual framework and the technical machinery in a way the kids could understand. We'll see how they do on the next test.
Here's the key: I've finally figured grad school out, I've got my research pump primed, I'm a decent instructor, on my own initiative I invited two undergrads to do research with me and this is leading to useful results. But now that I feel like I'm good at this, it's all going to end. Not that I would want to be a grad student forever, but I feel like grad school hasn't been long enough. I've got more work to do. My numerical results, while interesting, all seem preliminary. If I had another year, I would be an excellent job applicant, but I don't. I would be seriously bummed if all the projects I've brought up to speed come to a halt because I can't find a place to keep working on them.
